How to Catch a Gideon
by bandmidget
Summary: Me and some friends of mine are in a hotel and notice the Bible says "Placed by a Gideon" This is the story of what happens when you don't know what a Gideon is. Enjoy


Gideons??? Hotel Ninjas is more like it. Three feet tall, hair all over, goat feet, Satanistic horns. How can you not hate them? They think their Bibles are so great. Special Gideon Bibles all over the world. Sneaking in your hotel rooms at night, doing mean nasty, unexplainable things that if you woke up and saw, you'd probably die instantly from shock and a heart attack. No one has ever seen one of these elusive creatures before and lived to tell about it, but we know they are out there. Sleeping in hotel basements, just waiting for one of their Bibles to come up missing from a room.  
  
This is how we figured it all went down: A silent alarm goes off. Three Gideons are dispatched to the room with the missing Bible. If anyone is inside the room and awake, the Gideons will turn invisible and replace the Bible. If they are detected, instant Hotel Ninja death chop. Then the Gideons clean the room and go back to their holes in a matter of seconds. They are in and out in less than 30 seconds, and that's on a bad run.  
  
***  
  
"This Bible placed by Gideons," is stated plainly on the cover of the Bible in the hotel room drawer. We saw it and, being the absolute geniuses that we are, figured out what these Gideons were up to. Our plan is to catch a Gideon for ourselves and force the secrets of this special Bible out of it. If we find out what makes their Bible, we can run these monstrous Hotel Ninjas out.  
  
We called this "Operation Gideon Trap" because we couldn't think of anything better. Mike, code name "Unkie Mike," is in charge of the operation. Blake, code name "Acting Gideon" is... well our acting Gideon for the test runs. We'd have to change his name later, after we were done with the tests. Colin, code name... well he doesn't have a code name, is in charge of the trap. I, code name Band Midget, am taking part in watching how the tests go and figuring out if it will work or not. Mallory and Jocelyn sit back and watch it all go down. They are backup support.  
  
Step one of the test run, set the trap. Colin did fine with that. He and Unkie Mike stood on the first bed, each holding a blanket.  
  
Step two, call in the Acting Gideon. He comes in through the front door. Right as he passes the first bed, Unkie Mike and Colin jump down and take us to step three.  
  
Step three, put plan into action. Unkie Mike knocks down Acting Gideon and he and Colin wrap him in the blankets.  
  
Step four, the final step, beat the Gideon into submission. Of course for Acting Gideon we just faked it. We all kicked Acting Gideon while he was down, trapped in the thick smelly hotel blankets.  
  
Now, time for the real thing. We got Acting Gideon out of the trap as fast as we could, but he was still kinda distraught from the experience. "Ok, I need a name change now. I'm not acting like a Gideon anymore."  
  
"How about Claire?" Unkie Mike said, referring to a sign we found the night before.  
  
"Claire is a girlie name though. I'll take it!" Blake said enthusiastically, accepting his new code name.  
  
Insert squiggly lines here for flashback. One night before, as we were checking into our rooms, we saw a sign on a one hotel room door that said "I LOVE CLAIRE!" We, being the kleptos we are, stole the sign and put it on OUR door. Later, a girl named Claire came up and knocked on our door, thinking it was her room.  
  
"Who are you?" Claire asked all confused.  
  
"Who are YOU?" Mike jumped in, because we really didn't know who she was.  
  
"This is my boyfriend's room. He said he put that sign on the door to show me which room to go to. Why is it on your door?"  
  
"We have no idea, we have been sitting in here for about an hour. We heard people running around the halls earlier and some knocking on our door. Maybe they switched the sign or something," Mike answered, being the genius he is.  
  
"Oh, well I'll take it back then and find my room somehow." Claire said as she walked out the door.  
  
Blake got up and went to the door, checking if she was gone. "We so gotta steal that sign again later."  
  
Squiggly lines for flashback to be over. Back in the room, we have prepared for our Gideon hunt. Mallory takes the Bible and hides it in the bathroom. Blake, I mean "Claire" sits down on the bed and calls the front desk.  
  
"Hello, this is room 324. It is Sunday morning and I just noticed there is no Bible in my room. Can you please send a Gideon up to bring me a Bible? I really need one as soon as possible..... Yeah, and make sure it's a real Gideon, not just some bellboy please.... Ok, thanks."  
  
He hung up the phone, "He says it should be here in a few minutes."  
  
We all get in position to wait for the Gideon. Two minutes pass. "Geez, how long does it take for a Gideon to get up here to give us a Bible?" Unkie Mike thought out loud, not expecting an answer.  
  
Four more minutes pass. "God, what if this was a life and death situation? Hotel Ninjas are supposed to be fast. Aren't Ninjas supposed to be trained to be all fast and stuff?" Claire stated, also not really expecting a response.  
  
Five minutes go by and still no Gideon. "What if the Gideon is SO fast it has already came in and dropped off the Bible in the drawer?" Mallory wonders, actually wanting someone to check. Jocelyn opens the drawers, but still no Bible in sight.  
  
Another ten minutes pass. We are all still in position for the trap. "WAIT A MINUTE! What if the Gideon comes in through the window? Ninjas are smart like that. They probably have been watching us this whole time and know what we're up to. They are taking so long because they are waiting for a shot at the window." I said, having a moment of genius. We all repositioned for a window trap, same way as before, only towards the other side of the room. "WAIT A MINUTE AGAIN! What if they were waiting for us to figure that out so we would turn to the window so they could sneak in through the front door? What if it came in RIGHT NOW and we weren't in place to trap it?"  
  
"Now wait one minute yourself," Claire interrupted. "We don't have enough man power to cover both sides of the room. We are only six people. We need every last one of us to trap this thing."  
  
"What if we stand in the middle of the room and just run at it from whichever side it comes in?" Mallory was a genius at figuring stuff out like that.  
  
During us trying to figure it all out, we heard a knock on the door. "EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Colin yelled, then lowering to a whisper and pointing to the door, "It's the Gideon."  
  
We all stormed the door, opened it holding the blankets up and ran out of the room, trapping the Gideon against the wall. We proceeded to wrap it up and bring it to the floor. We kicked it until it stopped screaming then pulled it back into our room.  
  
We immediately saw reason for celebration, so we all jumped on the beds dancing around singing "WE CAUGHT ONE! WE CAUGHT ONE!"  
  
A groaning sound came from inside the thick blankets. Unkie Mike and Colin got down and unwrapped the head of the Gideon. "Oww... What was that for?"  
  
"NO! You're not a Gideon!" Claire screamed in utter disappointment.  
  
"Gideon? Of course I'm not," Meghan, another friend of ours, said as she unwrapped the blankets. "There's no such things as Gideons. It's just a hotel urban legend. Gideon is an anagram for 'No Gedi' which used to be a motto for Star Wars fans who couldn't spell very well. They bought out a bunch of hotel chains and started brainwashing people through false hotel Bibles."  
  
"And how would you know this?" I jumped in.  
  
"Um... I just do... Don't ask me, I... uh... overheard it somewhere. OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT OUT THE WINDOW!?!?"  
  
We all immediately looked out the window. When we looked back, Meghan was gone. "SHE'S ONE OF THEM!" Mike exclaimed running out into the hall.  
  
"Well crap, there goes my ride home," I said kinda mad. Almost two hundred miles away from home and my only ride is a filthy Gideon. And on top of that, she just ran off, so even if I could get past her evilness, it wouldn't matter since she was probably gone forever now, never to come back to this hotel again.  
  
***  
  
Three years have gone by since that weekend of Gideon hunting. We never saw another Gideon in person, and never heard from Meghan again. Unkie Mike, Colin, Claire, Band Midget, Mallory, and Jocelyn are the only ones ever to catch on to this evil hotel cult.   
  
"I don't wanna be Claire anymore."  
  
"Blake, when we said you should be Claire before, we were joking. We really didn't even expect you to take that name." Mike explained after three years of Blake going under a girls name.  
  
"Well it was cool back then. Now I think I need a new code name."  
  
"Blake, we don't need code names anymore," I said, shaking my head. "We didn't really need them back then. Unkie Mike has always been Unkie Mike. I have always been Band Midget. Colin has always been Colin. You were always Blake. Why did you want a code name? What kind of idiot begs to be called 'The Acting Gideon' and then agrees to be called 'Claire'?"  
  
"What are you talking about? Code names are COOL!" Blake said in his own defense.  
  
"How did this come up?" Mallory interrupted. "That was three years ago. Why have you been going by the name Claire for so long? Your code name, which you BEGGED to have, was only for that one day. You don't really have to use it anymore."  
  
"Well, that's why I want to change it. I was thinking Claire is just outdated now."  
  
"Ok, how about your new code name being Blake?" Colin suggested.  
  
"COLIN! THAT IS GENIUS!" Blake jumped up and yelled, running out of the room.  
  
"Geez, he sure isn't the smartest crayon in the bag." Jocelyn said standing up and stretching.  
  
"Don't you mean brightest in the box?" Mallory asked walking towards the door.  
  
"That's what I said. Isn't it?" Jocelyn walked out right after Mallory.  
  
"What are we doing? This is pointless. It's like one of those movies that the plot just ends and they just sit around talking till the ending credits," Unkie Mike said as he walked to the door.  
  
"Band Midget, wait for the credits, we'll be out there," Colin said as he and Mike walked out the door.  
  
"Well I'm all alone now. God, this IS pointless. If there were ending credits, they'd be right here. They'd be scrolling up as I ramble on to myself while I'm sitting in this empty room. Well, I'm leaving now," I walked out the door to the same hotel room on the three year anniversary of our original Gideon hunt. 


End file.
